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HUMOUR AROUND THE WORLD

LATEST SUBMISSION FIRST   


Marriage

Submitted By: Charlie (Australia)


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more oil! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

We need more oil. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE OIL?

They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the bloody car."

Submitted by: Charlie (Australia)



35 Universal Truths

Submitted By: Charlie (Australia)


1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Submitted by: Charlie (Australia)



The Scottish Lad

Submitted By: Ged (Norway)


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's boot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two then turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' .. perhaps it is noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?"

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?" The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are abit more serious this time."

"Really?", said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye ", said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request ...And he said ...

"Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me ... the first three pennies?"

Submitted by:Ged (Norway)



Church Bulletins Bloopers

Submitted By: Maisie (UK)


The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks are just as humorous?
(Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)

Preach it!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Suffer the little children
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.

The Power of Prayer

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

After the worship service...
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Ladies, Ladies
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Choir Practice
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Which Door Do I Use?
The Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Members of the Congregation
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Watch Out for Those Potlucks
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.

HOW Much Money Should I Give?
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Who says church is boring?

Submitted by:Maisie (UK)

October, 2003



Railroads

Submitted By: Rena (Australia)


Does the statement, 'we've always done it this way ,' ring any bells?
--------read to the end-----

The US standard railway gauge ( distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That's an extremely odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England and the railways were built by expatriot Englishmen.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre- railway tramways and that's the gauge they used.

So, why did 'they' use that gauge then ? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools they used to build wagons, which used that wheel spacing. OK!

Why did the wagons have that particularly odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old long distance roads in England because that was the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads for their Legions. And those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the first ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of breaking their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The US standard rail gauge 4ft 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications of the Imperial Roman war chariot.

And Bureaucracies live forever!!

So the next time you're handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accomodate the back end of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see the Space Shuttle sitting on it's launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokel at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to have them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRB's had to fit through the tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you know, is about as wide as two horses backsides.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over 2000 years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

.....And you thought being a Horse's Ass wasn't important!!!

Submitted by: Rena (Australia)

September, 2003



Vacation to the Holy Land

Submitted By: Joyce (Caribbean)


A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

Without pausing, the guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Submitted by: Joyce (Caribbean)

July, 2003



What We Learn From Our Mothers

Submitted By: Peter (Australia)


Religion:
"You had better pray that stain comes out of the carpet"

Logic:
"Because I said so, thats why"

Being Prepared:
"Make sure you have clean underwear in case you are in an accident"

Irony:
"Keep crying and I will give you something to cry about"

Being a contortionist:
"Look at that dirt on the back of your neck"

Patience:
"You will sit there until that spinach is eaten"

Weather:
"Your room looks liker a tornado has gone through it"

Over Reacting:
"If I have told you once, I have told you a million times, don't exaggerate"

Role Models:
"Stop acting like your father"

Envy:
"There are a million children in the world who dont have parents as wonderful as yours"

Anticipation:
"Just you wait until we get home"

Receiving:
"You are going to get it when we get home"

ESP:
"Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when you are cold?"

Humor:
"If that lawn mower cuts off your toes, dont come running to me" Being an Adult: "If you dont eat your vegetables you will never grow up"

Wisdom:
"When you get to my age you will understand"

Optimism:
"Eat your crusts and your hair will go curly"

Justice:
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

Submitted by: Peter (Australia)

June, 2003



Snappy Answers......

Submitted By: Ged (Norway)


Snappy Answer #1
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?" He replied, "No , they're dead."

Snappy Answer #2
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #3
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

Submitted by: Ged (Norway)

May, 2003



Dear God.....

Submitted By: Ged (Norway)


DEAR GOD,
SO FAR TODAY, I'VE DONE ALRIGHT, I HAVEN'T GOSSIPED, LOST MY TEMPER, BEEN GREEDY OR GRUMPY, BEEN NASTY, SELFISH OR OVERINDULGENT. I'M VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT.

BUT, IN A FEW MINUTES, GOD, I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF BED, AND FROM THEN ON, I'M PROBABLY GOING TO NEED A LOT MORE HELP.

AMEN

Submitted by: Ged (Norway)

February, 2003



The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

Submitted by: Lorraine (Toronto)

50 degrees Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Canadians plant gardens

35 degrees Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32 degrees Fahrenheit (0  C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker

0 degrees Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat
Canadians have the last cookout of the season

-60 degrees Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door

-100 degrees Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Canadians pull down their ear flaps

-173 degrees Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-460 degrees Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 degrees Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Submitted by: Lorraine (Toronto)

February, 2003



E-Mail to my doctor...

Submitted By: Ged (Norway)


I sent an E-Mail to my doctor and asked him some very detailed questions about health and nutrition. He had some excellent advice...

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 750 of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello... Cocoa beans?!... Another vegetable! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

One more thing...
"When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt."

Submitted by: Ged (Norway)

February, 2003



The New Zoo Attendant

Submitted By: Ged (Norway)


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. He starts on this when suddenly a huge fish leaps out and bites him. He is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death with a spade. Realising that his boss is not going to be best pleased, he tries to find a way to hide the dead fish.

He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything. So he throws the fish into the lion's cage.

He then moves on to his second job, which is to clear out the monkey house. He goes in and a couple of chimps starts throwing coconuts at him. Un-amused he swipes at the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. He's really worried now, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything. He hurls them into the lion's cage.

Anyway, he moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from South American bees. He starts on this and quickly gets attacked by the bees. Alarmed, he grabs his spade and smashes the bees as hard as he can, squashing them to death. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do by now. He throws them into the lion's cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. It wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like in here?".

The other lion says: . . . . . .

(Wait for it.........)

"Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"

Submitted by: Ged (Norway)

January, 2003



Two brooms

Submitted By: Ged (Norway)


Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little broom!!!

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER"

Submitted by: Ged (Norway)

January, 2003



State Fair

Submitted By: Ged (Norway)


A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says,"This Bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looks at her and says .... "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

Submitted by: Ged (Norway)

January, 2003



Jack & Jill

Submitted By: Ged (Norway)


Jack was to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a fireside chat.

"Jack," he says, "Let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers,handed them to your mother and said 'Here Darling, try these on'. So she did, and said 'Well sweetie, they're a little too big, I can't wear them' so I replied 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will'. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack, and thinks it's a good thing to try.

So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here Baby, try these on". So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me". Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in this relationship, I always will, and I don't want you to forget that".

At this, Jill takes off her knickers, hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine". So he tries and says, "I can't even get into your knickers".

Jill says, "Exactly, and if you don't change your BLOODY attitude, you never will!"

Submitted by: Ged (Norway)

January, 2003



The Perfect Dress

Submitted By: Joyce (Caribbean)


The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's your special day, not hers." Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? You don't have any place to wear it." Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

..Now what women wouldn't like this story... Perfect Dress, Perfect Justice!

Submitted by: Joyce (Caribbean)

January, 2003



New Element Discovered!

Submitted By: Graham Smith (Coventry)


The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by researchers at the University of Fulchester. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganisation.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

Submitted by: Graham Smith (Coventry)

13th August 2002



Pull me up !

Submitted By: David (West Sussex)


Two Irish men, Pat and Mick, decide to go Salmon poaching, Mick say's to Pat " you hold my legs while I dangle over the bridge and when I catch a Salmon you pull me up".

"ok" say's Pat.

So Mick is dangling over the bridge with Pat hanging onto his feet, when Mick suddenly shouts "Pull me up ! Pull me up"

Pat say's "why have you caught one already?"

Mick say's " no there's a bloody train coming !!!"

Submitted by: David (West Sussex)

31st July 2002



The Sea Dog

Submitted By: Peter (Australia)


There was a salty old-timer with a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch who was looking for a job as a sea captain.

"You surely look the part" said the interviewer, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrgh a shark took me leg" he grunted "and now I wears a wooden peg".

"What about your hand?" the interviewer asked.

"Aye laddy, I was in a sword fight and now I have a hook!" the sea dog said.

"I see", the interviewer said feeling appalled, "and how did you lose the eye?"

"Arrrgh laddy, I was in a storm off Tortuga. The riggin' was all foul, and I looked up just as a seagull was passin' over and it pooped in me eye"

"And that put your eye out?" asked the interviewer.

"NO! 'twas the first day I had me hook!"

Submitted by: Peter (Australia)

9th May 2002


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